There’s definitely a difference between cute crazy and crazy-crazy, right? I can’t really describe the difference with specifics but crazy crazy is like porn – you know it when you see it. Well… I’m not cute crazy or crazy crazy. I live on the perimeter. I also love to ride – bikes and other things…. Yep, that does indeed make me an authority on this topic.
Here’s some tips for riding with your girl when she's PMSing.
1) Shut the fuck up
Everything you say will piss her off, so best to just shut the fuck up. If you do risk talking, be ready for any variety of reactions to whatever you say – inappropriate laughter, tears, stone cold silence, illogical disagreement meant only to annoy you and start an argument. Also, if you follow this advice and zip your word-hole, she’ll probably start crying or yelling because you’re being “quiet and distant.” So, actually, you’re just fucked…
2) Get her bike ready for her
You should definitely be ready for passive aggressive requests for help with her bike. A typical conversation could go like this: “I don’t really know what pressure to run my tires here, they feel fine when I squeeze them, but whatever, they’re probably fine, it will be fine” “Babe, you should get a gauge and keep it with you to make sure you have a consistent read on your tires wherever you go, it’s important.. I’d probably do 24 in the back 22 in the front here…” “I KNOW! I already have a gauge I just never actually USE IT, don’t talk down to me, don’t tell me what to do all the fucking time! What do you care what pressure my tires are, you don’t care about anything!!!!”
3) Bring snacks
This always helps – but get ready for bringing the wrong kind (she liked that kind of trail mix last time but today, for some reason, they’re fucking gross and she hates it), offering snacks and her not eating any and then later bonking from not eating anything, getting yelled at for calling her fat vis a vis offering snacks (what?!) and/or her eating all of them and then blaming you for it and accusing you of sabotaging her.
4) Know where you’re going
Even if you know where you’re going, she won’t trust you. She will be worried you’re going the wrong way the entire time and she will insist to stop every 5 minutes to check a map – even though this is an out and back trail you’ve ridden multiple times, she won’t trust you and she’ll yell at you for not knowing where you’re going even though you very much know exactly where you’re going.
5) Bring tissues, stay hydrated
So much crying. You better keep her hydrated because there will definitely be a lot of crying. Between the crying and the yelling, she will be dehydrated and her face will be very moist. Make sure she’s drinking water and offer tissues when you can – you know, to show you care that she’s crying about the overwhelming melancholy of the human condition and the pain and grief of living a life where everything you will ever love you will also lose and the unending unrelenting march of time towards death…. While you’re just trying to rip some laps on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
6) Don’t fucking do it
You’re the fucking crazy one for even considering it!!!!!!!!!
7) Drugs and alcohol